im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
