i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Pooping to opera.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
