one might say we're banned from that church
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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