YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
