Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
