I need to stop coming to work sober
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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