My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
