she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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