dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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