I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Randomize
