What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize