I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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