I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
honey bunches of taint.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
