She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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