So drunk its hurt
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
