i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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