Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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