allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
