omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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