i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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