I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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