So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
