He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
