he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Randomize
