After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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