i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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