You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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