are you still at the devil's house?
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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