what day is it and did you see me today?
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
