I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I have feelings that need drinking.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
