I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
