My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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