"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
