i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
