So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
whose parrot is this?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
