some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
