I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
