She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
