i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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