i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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