i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Randomize
