it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
