thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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