I wish I could teleport
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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