mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
he's gonorrhea incarnate
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
