Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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