Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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