Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
