This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
