I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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