Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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