Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
