Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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