i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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