Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
